Today I went for my 38 week appointment. I wasn't expecting any good news and didn't get any, just like I thought. It is the last appointment that my husband will be able to attend as he is deploying in a few days. I have gotten so desperate that I was trying to give myself high blood pressure by making myself nervous while the nurse was taking my blood pressure measurement. It worked too, the first time. But then she took it again and it was normal again. The kicker is, if I did have high blood pressure they would send me in to be induced right away. No such luck.
I realize how selfish and impatient this all sounds...but this is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone though. Every time I think about delivering Abigail without Ashton there my eyes well up. I just can't believe that he wont be able to meet his daughter, his first child, until she is 9 or 10 months old. And we are so close to 39 weeks...but they just will not induce me. Not to mention my body isn't close to labor yet....as I am only 1 cm dilated and baby is not engaged at all yet.
I am just feeling really sorry for myself and for Ashton, and I realize how much we have to be thankful for, despite the deployment. It's just so difficult to keep it all in perspective. I keep telling myself that we are very lucky to even be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby...some people can never conceive. We should be so lucky.
There is no getting around it.... He just wont be here for her birth. He leaves the day I turn 39 weeks pregnant and as I have had literally no signs of impending labor, I am sure I am going to go over my due date. Which is normal, as most first time moms deliver after their due date. I don't know why I ever thought we would get lucky enough to have our baby together....He is in the military. And duty comes first.
I just need to let it go. I need to let go of any expectations I have. I need to wish for the best and stop focusing on the negative. I mean, after all...we are having a baby. The most precious gift a person could ever wish for...and we are having our very own! When he gets back from this deployment, we are going to go on one amazing family vacation. I can't wait!
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