Crushing realization....

So I randomly stumbled upon this woman's blog and she was posting pictures of her newborn baby girl. I started reading her post about how she was adjusting to having a newborn in the house and how her and her husband were tired but that they were finally getting into a routine which was making things easier. As I was reading though her post about how she struggled with the 'baby blues' which for those of you who don't know, is the dramatic decline of feel good hormones. I imagine it as a thick depression that is chemically induced, and you just have to get through it however possible. I do not know how I am going to get through that without Ashton. The time in your life that you want to bond with your new baby, he will miss it. For almost a year. I can't imagine how he feels about this either, this is going to be so so difficult. But like he said, he isn't the last man to be gone for their baby's birth because of war and he won't be the last. I guess we have to be optimistic... But reading her post about how her and her husband were feeling better, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ashton won't be here for the birth, bringing her home, or anything after that for NINE MONTHS. My life (and baby) is going to be drastically different when he comes back, how am I going to adjust? How am I going to get through this alone? My mother in law has mentioned that she will come for baby's birth and will stay with me for as long as I need. That is a wonderful gesture and she is a great mother. The thing is she had her babies 30 years ago, how much will I actually be able to trust her advice? Am I being irrational about this? And how much will I be able to relate to her? Will she really provide emotional support or added stress? I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't want any of my family to come when the baby is born because they would definately add tons of stress. My good friend Kate said that she would be willing to fly down the day of the birth or basically whenever I need her, which is amazing. She is around babies and children all the time and fairly recently had a daughter of her own. So she knows the ins and outs of baby care, plus she is training to become a nurse. WIN. What I want most, beyond knowing about newborns, is emotional support. Someone I can talk to about whatever is on my mind. About my feelings, to be reasured that everything I am feeling is normal and that no, I am not going crazy it's just baby blues or whatever. Not having Ashton is going to be brutal, but having close friends stay with me will be a god send. A GOD SEND I TELL YOU! These hormones are so intense, they make everything so much more intense. I need to start a meditation to get through this and prepare mentally for the road ahead.

baby girl

Went out and bought some baby girl onesies and a blanket rattle! I am so excited for our daughter to arrive!

It's a GIRL!!

Puppy Love

Gender!!

On May 14th we find out if we are having a boy or girl!!!

15 weeks, 3 days

Today I felt tiny little baby movements!!

Randomness

I snapped these photos in between my classes today. Kansas State University has such a beautiful campus, and spring here really is incredible. I walk by the flowers and they smell like perfume.



This is the front of Hale library. Though I rarely go inside, I admire the building every time I walk by. Beautiful architecture.




Ashton read this book titled "Last child in the woods" which I am intending on reading once I am done with this semester. He said it is about a child with autism whose parents insisted the child spend time with them out in nature. It details the way the child's personality and temperament were so positively different when he was outside. I think as a society we really underestimate the power we have to heal ourselves. There are numerous examples of how our mind has power over our physical body, including the well known placebo effect. There have even been studies where two groups of individuals were told they were getting surgery for their arthritic knees. One group actually got surgery, the other only got cut open and sewn back up. Astonishingly, both groups reported significantly less arthritic pain upon the 6 month follow up. All the second group had was the feeling, or thought that they were getting a healing treatment. That is all it took for them to be able to walk normally again without pain.

Western medicine has really made an industry on convincing us that we need medical professionals to dictate what we do when it comes to most everything having to do with the body. I mean, don't get me wrong I believe doctors are very important and save lives everyday. I just think that as a whole, doctors in the last century look only for disease and thus they are much more likely to see more instances of illness, even when it doesn't exist. Their job is to look for disease and treat the disease. What happened to preventative and holistic medicine? Doesn't it make sense to treat the whole person, rather than pinpointing a single ailment?

Stepping off my soap box now.



Time to work on my homework now. I have procrastinated long enough!

14 weeks/2nd trimester

So happy that my pregnancy is going to be through the warm summer months, so I can wear dresses and cute tops the whole time. Jeans don't fit anymore!

addicted to make up

I think I need to start doing video reviews for products I use and have tried. These items are just some of my favorites. If I lived close to a Sephora, I would try so hard to get a job there! Heaven!

subtle benefits

I have the best nails of my life thanks to pregnancy! Note to those ttc or newly pregnant-- if you find your nails are worse than they were before you got pregnant, then tell your doctor because it can be signal for concern.

Maternity stylin

So today I went and got a pedicure and some new wedges...(Jessica Simpson really knows what she is doing!) for the wedding my husband and I are going to tomorrow. Though, I am pretty sure I am going to wear these shoes every chance I get...not only are they a-freakin-dorable, but they are actually comfortable (leather!).

I don't think I had as much style before I was pregnant, as I do now. I'm not trying to look like frumpty dumpty pregnant lady. Though my skin is continuing to break out, I still want to feel good about myself. I've always had issues with my skin so whenever I read articles about women getting the pregnancy glow (excess oil) I'm like, I WISH! I already have pretty well lubed skin, I don't need any more oil...but I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice in the matter. Whatever it takes for a healthy baby I guess! But I do wonder, how to celebrities have such flawless skin when they are pregnant? I mean, all of them do. I realize they are loaded and can afford any skin treatment around.... sigh. Thank god for sephora!

At least new shoes and cute outfits can keep my self-esteem afloat! And the sweet compliments Ashton gives me, even when I'm makeup-less. I really am a lucky wife.

Pregnancy food

My lunch for the day:

A cliff bar (blueberry...yum!)
Salad with ranch dressing (which I normally wouldn't eat but it adds calories), tomatoes and cucumbers.
Water
Prenatals and fish oil

One of the hardest things I have dealt with during pregnancy so far is getting enough calories into my body. When nothing looks or sounds appetizing, it's really frustrating. I find myself complaining about this a lot...it actually worries me. I know I am only 14 weeks along and the babies nutritional/caloric needs are minimal but I have yet to gain any weight. I am still below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I find myself compuslively checking the bathroom scale in hopes that I have gained even a single pound. Though that is likely impossible since I am still unable to eat more than 2,000 calories in a day. I feel like if I weren't lactose intolerant then it wouldn't be such a daily challenge. I would just chow down on some ice cream and milkshakes. I would just drink some Ensure nutrition drinks, but they are all made of milk. Finding lactose free ones has proven impossible in this town/city. I have lots of ideas for protein shakes and whatnot but sometimes I literally don't have enough energy to get out of the damn bed! Anyway, I have a meeting with a nutritionist in a couple weeks. Hoping for some awesome tips and practical advice.

The only things that I can seem to stomach are salads, fruits, candy and steak. I tried to drink some lactaid milk with chocolate powder mixed in, and ended up throwing that up. Not sure if it was because it was milk or just progesterone poisoning (morning sickness). Hopefully these food aversions will calm down and I can start eating some real substance.

A side note about this whole journey....

One thing that I never anticipated during pregnancy is the freakin constipation. I know, it is the last thing any lady wants to discuss...but it is a real freakin problem. Not only because of progesterone slowing down your digestion, but also if you end up taking Zofran (the #1 medicine for nausea and morning sickness) you WILL be constipated. They prescribe colace along with it because it is an inevitable issue, no matter how much fiber you eat! I really think it's natures way of getting women prepared for the pushing involved with childbirth! Nice visual there huh? ;)

14 weeks along!

Snapped this picture in jc penny....

back in 2008....

When my fiance at the time, came home on leave for two weeks he took me to a romantic hotel in Seattle for a weekend. It was called the Pan Pacific...we took a bath together and drank sweet champagne. A few days later he returned to Iraq and all I had for the next 6 months were the photos from his visit. When he left, I was the most heartbroken I had ever been...I cried the entire drive home from the airport and went home to an empty bed. It all made me feel so empty without him. Now he has been home for a long while but is getting ready to deploy again...only this time we will have our first child. He will miss out on the first 9-10 months of the baby's life...but that is just the sacrifice one gives up for bravery. He really is my hero...

future inpsiration

This photoshoot was my first in Kansas. Actually turned out to be one of my favorites. These photos will be my inspiration to get fit again after this pregnancy!

Photo from the honeymoon

I took this the day before we got married on the island of Kauai. Best vacation/honeymoon/wedding ever! Now we are expecting our first child, life sometimes seems so sublime it's hard to comprehend the reality of it all.

Thinking about childbirth

I have recently been doing some research on childbirth in the hopsital and in a birthing center. I've been trying to compare and contrast them and so far, I am literally scared to deliver my baby in a hospital.

1. You are laying flat on your back, which is an unnatural position and gravity is working against you. It has been reported to be more painful this way too.

2. You are treated like a medical object and doctors are more likely to use forecepts, a vaccum or other methods to get the baby out which is probably unnecessary because women have been delivering babies for centuries without that stuff (and still do in many countries).

3. Hospital staff may take your newborn away from you for hours at a time which can be devistating to the mother and infant. Babies need constant skin to skin contact and warmth (not just for bonding!).

4. I do not want an episiotomy or c section unless me or the baby will die without it, and as I have come to understand they are routine!?

5. I want to be in as much control as I can during one of the most traumatic bodily experiences I'll likely ever have.

6. I want to be in a reasurring environment that will help me have as little anxiety as possible. I really feel like childbirth is made worse in a hospital environment where they hook you up to IV's and god knows what else. Not necessary unless you are having serious complications!

Onto more reading and research...

Shoes are a girls best friend

I almost had an orgasm when I saw these!! My favorite boot of all time. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Walking the dogs//Outfit

Here in Kansas, there hasn't been any snow hence the absence of cold weather attire in mid January. I need to find a better way to take photos of my outfits. Sick of the mirror photo cliche.

September, 2012

Words cannot express how excited I am for September!!!

random photo from 2009

The photo above is from the day I bought my wedding dress. It was a month befor he was due home. Nothing is so passionate than receiving the love of your life after half a year apart. I had no idea then what my life would morph into...it has far exceeded everything I had imagined.

This is on blast in my car, my house and my headphones....alldaylong

beauty in a storm

"Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful."

I seek truth, compassion, beauty of the soul.


I want to redefine depth and sincerity. I am a post in an ocean swaying against me.


Our society has an awesome destructive power of individuals. If you are sick, oh please do not hope for anyone to help you up. Our country is one that believes we are only self reliant; we cannot rely on eachother, on community for aid. If you are diseased, you need to lay down, give up and die. Republican dogma. An awesome capacity for cancerous beliefs.

What have the demons done to the luminous life that once shined from your eyes...


You can see it burning from the valley, the smoke is thick and black. The only thing that will save you now, the truth inside you. You have to listen above the other's voices, below the dogma, through the noise. I am a post in an ocean swaying against me.

What's wrong with your mind? You are faultless, others are imperfect. What you try to adumbrate is the reality of your mistakes for which you and you alone are responsible. You publicise the ecstacy of your life... but what's running through your vains to cause the pain- forcing you to masquerade your life with images of perfection

I adore the person with cracks and lines through their life, they have an air of truth about them.. Those with real stories of hurt, of growth. Of reality.

Sometimes we get lucky enough in life to have friends who become like family. I love this girl like a sister! One day we will be old ladies together. Maybe knitting our little dog's a sweater, or baking special brownies. I really miss my best friend.

galactic.

"We're all just waiting to die"

I can draw my own line between dimensions & I am the co-creator of my conciousness.

Stars appear from a cosmic void. Cosmic energy collides, energizes, collapses and destroys. The center of our own Milky Way galaxy is nothing more than a black hole.

Daily do's and daily donts blind us by illusion. Everything we experience is holographic in nature; we are holographic.

Manhattan, Kansas

The Little Apple's evening sky.
5.23.10

Moving on

I threw out all of my paintings except the one I made for Ros, the 48x60 and the one Ash and I painted together. I have been told by a family member that she wants one of my paintings. I didn't have the heart to tell her I had destroyed them. I kind of wish I hadn't...and why did I? Because I didn't think they would 'go' anywhere in our house. Nor did I think they were very good pieces of work. I do wish I hadn't thrown them out and just given them to people that wanted them. Total bummer. Especially this one. Although the picture of it looks way better than the actual piece.

Sad day.

Nikon

Searching for new toys for my camera...this is the only one I have.

emerging in the abstract

Addiction is addiction is addiction.

"Long term marijuana use disrupts memory and concentration..."

As much as I miss it, unfortunately this is true. It's been almost a year since...well, no that's a lie...about half a year since I smoked. I do remember how my behavior changed when I was 'under the influence'...I also remember how good it made food taste, how good sex felt, how amazing music sounded and how creative it inspired me to be. More still, the circle of friends associated with smoking are what I miss the most. I miss the letting go, as Melissa put it. And it is true, I do miss the zealous free spirit I once was. Assuming the form of an adult is no easy task but I am learning what is healthy to hold onto, and what is not. We must move with change or get pulled under by it's current.

I can no longer keep abreast that self I use to keep. The state of abstracted musing may have surpassed me once, but I shall not throw out my canvas.

a disconsolate time in place

Drowning myself in this book, in my journal and this blog

I know why, too.

I don't have to speculate

When I am missing like this,
disconnection is encapsulating

As the world hurries on, I feel stationary

I've tried my best
to leave

but inextricably, feeling persists
the pages turn,
one
after
the
other

Still, I am disconsolate

What will help this state of mind
I understand, I must change my thoughts-
but I miss them and that won't change.

A story

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and
soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...

MARRIAGE


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't
talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just
pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent
ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something
at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell
asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not
care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want
anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to
recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of
our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going
crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd
request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy
in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in
my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the
office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy
returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was
growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry
her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her
heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I
might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly;
it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked
intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have
a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I
won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each
other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on
our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my
wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I
run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the
bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend
and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a
real happy marriage!

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they
were to success when they gave up.

__________________________________________________
Days can seem to grow mundane, unflavorful
and even though it sounds cliché, you never realize what
you have until it is gone. The mere thought of being without
Ashton brings tears to my eyes but I know one day, there will
only be one of us left. Nothing is permanent but our love is part of the universal love which is everlasting. Though hard to find in some, love is interwreathed in everyone. After all, energy is never lost, only transferred.

uptake

This morning I had a terrifying dream. I was being assaulted and beaten all through the night by different people. One man had just been let out of handcuffs and he immidiately attacked me with a box cutter. There were many other no face people who attacked me through the night. Why was I wandering with my 'friend' (who also had no face) through the city? In the dream, I was wondering if I should tell my husband about the attacks and how it would affect him psychologically. I woke up with an extreme feeling of unease. I have never experienced such terror in my waking life so I am curious as to where this came from. Maybe it's just because I watched Jennifers Body, last night before bed.

It's interesting how, the more you try to uncover your dream the more it dissipates.

forces of disintegration

Of the whole I think it is fair to say that as a society, we remain idly passive until dis-ease protests itself rather extremely. Of the psyche or of the physical body, are we not individulas of vulnerability? Humans need human contact, we need the most basic things linked with survival, but most importantly, understanding and empathy no matter the situation. Too often onlookers wait, temporize or even ignore serious matters in order to evade what might be a serious matter of which our ego is not accustomed. It then becomes easier to let the person being observed to suffer and wander in anguish and confusion. But is this the right thing to do? It would seem, intellectually that this would be the opposite of what the ego would want. When we help people we almost always feel a sense of accomplishment and an overal feeling of goodness. So why do so many individuals suffer so grievously? It is true, the number of people afflicted by depression, anxiety, personality disorders and the like, are contiually rising and affecting younger populations with each passing decade.
We need to dig down to the roots, the nitty gritty of what makes us who we are. We can easily describe what we look like or what wing of political preference we prefer but when it comes to self-analysis we come up short. Too often the populace simply cannot conjure up the words to do so. Why is this? It seems as if we are guarded against self reflection and the deep meaning behind each action. Of course, our ego will not allow itself to be damaged and will do anything necessary to prevent such happenings. Previous generations have done well to engrain into people that deep and thorough psychoanalysis will inevitably transmute into a sickness of the psyche, so it would be best to let and let live. This decision is just what enables such neuroses to exist and command our actions every day.
What is really causing disease of the mind is the lack of attention, the denial of self worth and self respect. Moreover, the guilt of the self weights heavy, disrupting judgments, altering self analysis and providing false evidence. All too often our judgments of our self are very wrong and misguided. We declare ourselves unworthy and from that basis we doom ourselves. Everyday people are not programmed to process and receive the abnormal that is so common in psychoneurosis.
We all have the capacity to change and once we change our thoughts, we will change how we feel. We have the tools, we just need to pay attention to the instructions.

Another dream; pulling up in my grandma's driveway

wearing a suit and high heels.

Walking into her empty

house, feeling reneged of the past

yet an unflagging volition

of my current path.

My dreams herald, matters

of which I am still unsure.